Ch. 9 Escalating Relationships _A Companion for Every Men and Women

There are five good reasons to escalate a relationship (develop friendships and romantic relationships characterized by intimacy). (1) Intimacy affects individual's personal welfare positively: affection & companionship and self-esteem & positive identity. (2) Your relationship with someone is mutually beneficial as well as mutually dependent. Interdependence helps the individual to achieve desired personal outcomes. (3) Fundamental interpersonal needs are met: Inclusion - include others into your world and be included in their world; Control - satisfy the need to direct others and be directed; Affection - satisfy need to express and receive affection. (4) Understanding of your partner...unique knowledge of the other person. (5) Reduce uncertainty about the other person.

These advantages click with me because they demonstrate the importance of having someone in our life...a friend or a loved one...Even the volleyball served as a good companion in the "Cast Away" movie when Tom Hanks was stranded on an island for what seemed to be an eternity. The only flaw is that the volleyball could not speak, though this is true of some unique circumstances where sign language or non-verbal language (or imagination) can be used. I have yet to benefit from the five advantages from a friend, but this is why my husband serves as a companion, friend, and loved one.

Chapter 8: Apology

Imagine that you attended an award banquet and sat next to the award recipient. Excitement and conversations were plenty in the room. Everything was wonderful until you spilled a cup of coffee on that person's exposed foot. Consequently that person was likely burned and now must clean the shoe and foot.

This was a self-presentational predicament that I was in, and luckily the person addressed the problem gracefully, saying that the coffee was not hot. I apologized profusely, though it was a perfunctory apology (a little brief expression of regret, since I did not want to make a scene either). There was no excuse or justification required for my action. It was really just an accident.

This was a situational predicament to me, and now I have learned that it is also a self-presentational predicament.

Chapter 7: Not Disclosing

Reasons for not disclosing include: relationship-based motivation (seek to protect close involvements), individual-based motivation (maintain positive identity), and information-based motivation (interaction partner might be unresponsive and not helpful). The motivation that I feel strongly about is individual-based because relationships and information can be rebuilt. Identity, on the other hand, would be jeopardized (and harder to rebuild in my opinion) if negative information has been disclosed and cannot be taken back. I have a need to establish a privacy boundary, even about non-personal things. If I don't disclose something that is negative, then I feel I have a short-lived opportunity to overlook the truth long enough to maintain my confidence to achieve a goal. For example, if I bombed my SAT but still need to maintain my confidence in order to write a powerful essay for college admission, it helps to not disclose this SAT failure. By not disclosing, I would maintain a positive identity, which then helps to maintain my confidence as well.

Chapter 6: Associating With Others

Some people associate with others to bolster their self-image or public image. There are two strategies involved: (1) looking good by making others look bad and (2) looking good by basking in other's accomplishments. Blasting the opposition is blasting people's reputation by making negative statements and assertions about them (i.e. rival group or individual) and then enhancing one's image by comparison. Basking in reflected glory is highlighting one's association with achievement of others. These concepts are significant because they explain the annoying actions of high schoolers, politicians, colleagues, and even ex-friends. It stirs me to the core when I encounter individuals who try to put me down to make themselves look or feel better. Better yet, when these individuals try to sneak in the spotlight or take/share/associate themselves with my accomplishments, it burns me inside.

Web Lec 3: Naked Exterior

Self-disclosing involves peeling away layers of the self. The onion analogy is used. How many layers are there in the onion from the market: the couple of thick orange exterior layers, an orange with white layer, the thinning layers, and the slippery core. Disclosing information may gain social support, affirmations, and agreements from others. On the other hand, disclosing can lead to being rejected, humiliated, and being left uncomfortable. It seems that the decision to disclose may be easier for some people, and yet this sort of decision is complex and difficult to decipher. I am most comfortable with keeping the thick exterior layer on and with some earthy soil (strategic self-preservation) smeared on the exterior, too. Sometimes I take the risk and can remove these exterior layers, but I do feel naked exposing the "inner self" and setting myself up to being vulnerable and being taken advantage of (i.e. meeting a coworker you think is your friend, but who is just digging for information to help themselves).

Chapter 16: Adaptability

There are six factors of adaptability: (1) social experience, (2) social composure, (3) social confirmation, (4) appropriate disclosure, (5) articulation, and (6) wit. Social experience allows people to develop a set of communication strategies and skills. Practice makes perfect, according to the book. I think this is why it is beneficial to meet new people (talk to random strangers while waiting in line) and practice interviews for example. Social composure and confirmation refers to keeping calm and acknowledging other's self-presentation. Appropriate disclosure is something that I hope that more people are aware of when gossiping with friends. Articulation is the ability to express ideas through language, and wit is ability to use humor. These six factors are relevant to me because it will now help me to ease the tension and know how to adapt to conversations with different people.

Chapter 14: Narcissistic People

Narcissism seems to be a trend that will affect interpersonal relationships and the U.S. society, according to some psychologists mentioned in the book. I speculate whether "community-based" societies have less of this narcissism trend to deal with. The U.S. is already an individualistic country, and when you add the "narcissistic" attitude, buying power, and overly informed characteristics of today's youth, there is definitely a concern here for me. Anyone with a pre-teen sibling, child, or relative could probably see this trend happening in his or her family. At first, I would conclude from my observations that kids are just spoiled, or they're handling adolescence differently, or they're just exhibiting the confidence as seen in the TV personalities from i.e. "Lizzie McGuire" - "Hannah Montana" - "Suite Life of Zach and Cody." However, teenagers, college students, and young professionals are also exhibiting these narcissistic characteristics: inflated self-importance, power hungry, admiration craze, entitlement, manipulative, non-empathetic, materialistic envy, and arrogant. Hopefully, this is a trend that will past since there are many youths and people who are not like this.