Chapter 11: Trouble Areas

Escalating and maintaining relationships were nice concepts to read about because they showed ways of building and sustaining a relationship. It is more difficult to read about de-escalating relationships, though I can understand that it is inevitable for some relationships (i.e. due to negative aspects of being underbenifited and emotional and/or sexual infidelity). According to Safran citation, there are 10 common trouble areas leading to disengagement: comm. breakdown, loss of shared goals, sexual incompatibility, infidelity, diminution of excitement, money, conflicts about children, alcohol or drug abuse, women's equality issues, and in-laws. This concept is relevant for me because I have heard of friends and relatives who experience some of these trouble areas that are jeopardizing their marriage. I would like to see marriage counseling at City Hall on how to avoid de-escalation when people go to get their marriage license. Then, at least more people have a fair chance of understanding what causes (disengagement themes) divorces and be aware that these causes could sneak up on them.

Web Lec 4: Turning Points

There are 10 turning points in adult children's relationships with their parents. These turning points influence the closeness of their relationship. The most significant ones found are: moving away to college and time of crisis - death in the family. "The ways in which our relationships with our fathers are likely to change are very different from the ways in which our relationships with our mothers are likely to change because the types of relationships we have (with them) are heavily influenced by CULTURE." (Ch. 15, p. 477) Mothers usually provide emotional support and engage in verbal and non-verbal affection. Fathers typically offer instrumental support, such as providing money and repairing automobile, and usually show affection by engaging in activities. Web Lec 4 indicates that physical distance was important for mother-child relational closeness and participating in activities was important for father-child.

According to Web Lec 4, little relationship research examines differences across CULTURES. In my experience, many FGC (First Generation College students), especially those who are the first child to attend college, have parents (father and mother) who did not want to see the child move away to college. The father provided emotional support and gave non-verbal expression of affection. He provided encouragement, hope, and ambition. The mother provided instrumental support such as cooking, cleaning, and spending time in public outings.

Chapter 10: Hand Holding

How long can a flirtatious glance last? How long can two people stay connected lips to lips? The everlasting hand holding probably outlast what the eyes and lips can offer. The triggers to separate the hands would be sweaty palms or fingers cramp. Perhaps this is why hand holding is so powerful.

Hand holding can be interpreted as love, intimacy, protection, affection, commitment, and support. It is a way of announcing connection to the public. At the same time, it offers comfort and a sense of well-being in private. Hand holding is one of the relational maintenance behaviors.

This concept rings true for me because after conversations, attending sport events, becoming friends, and learning more about characters and personalities, I was not convinced that I met my match until two sets of hands were compared. Something warm, electrical, and magical occurred when the hands contacted. Perhaps this is also a strong reminiscence of the phrase "putting your life in somebody's hand." If you feel you can trust someone from a hand holding experience, then you may find the courage to spend the rest of your life with this person.

Ch. 9 Escalating Relationships _A Companion for Every Men and Women

There are five good reasons to escalate a relationship (develop friendships and romantic relationships characterized by intimacy). (1) Intimacy affects individual's personal welfare positively: affection & companionship and self-esteem & positive identity. (2) Your relationship with someone is mutually beneficial as well as mutually dependent. Interdependence helps the individual to achieve desired personal outcomes. (3) Fundamental interpersonal needs are met: Inclusion - include others into your world and be included in their world; Control - satisfy the need to direct others and be directed; Affection - satisfy need to express and receive affection. (4) Understanding of your partner...unique knowledge of the other person. (5) Reduce uncertainty about the other person.

These advantages click with me because they demonstrate the importance of having someone in our life...a friend or a loved one...Even the volleyball served as a good companion in the "Cast Away" movie when Tom Hanks was stranded on an island for what seemed to be an eternity. The only flaw is that the volleyball could not speak, though this is true of some unique circumstances where sign language or non-verbal language (or imagination) can be used. I have yet to benefit from the five advantages from a friend, but this is why my husband serves as a companion, friend, and loved one.

Chapter 8: Apology

Imagine that you attended an award banquet and sat next to the award recipient. Excitement and conversations were plenty in the room. Everything was wonderful until you spilled a cup of coffee on that person's exposed foot. Consequently that person was likely burned and now must clean the shoe and foot.

This was a self-presentational predicament that I was in, and luckily the person addressed the problem gracefully, saying that the coffee was not hot. I apologized profusely, though it was a perfunctory apology (a little brief expression of regret, since I did not want to make a scene either). There was no excuse or justification required for my action. It was really just an accident.

This was a situational predicament to me, and now I have learned that it is also a self-presentational predicament.

Chapter 7: Not Disclosing

Reasons for not disclosing include: relationship-based motivation (seek to protect close involvements), individual-based motivation (maintain positive identity), and information-based motivation (interaction partner might be unresponsive and not helpful). The motivation that I feel strongly about is individual-based because relationships and information can be rebuilt. Identity, on the other hand, would be jeopardized (and harder to rebuild in my opinion) if negative information has been disclosed and cannot be taken back. I have a need to establish a privacy boundary, even about non-personal things. If I don't disclose something that is negative, then I feel I have a short-lived opportunity to overlook the truth long enough to maintain my confidence to achieve a goal. For example, if I bombed my SAT but still need to maintain my confidence in order to write a powerful essay for college admission, it helps to not disclose this SAT failure. By not disclosing, I would maintain a positive identity, which then helps to maintain my confidence as well.

Chapter 6: Associating With Others

Some people associate with others to bolster their self-image or public image. There are two strategies involved: (1) looking good by making others look bad and (2) looking good by basking in other's accomplishments. Blasting the opposition is blasting people's reputation by making negative statements and assertions about them (i.e. rival group or individual) and then enhancing one's image by comparison. Basking in reflected glory is highlighting one's association with achievement of others. These concepts are significant because they explain the annoying actions of high schoolers, politicians, colleagues, and even ex-friends. It stirs me to the core when I encounter individuals who try to put me down to make themselves look or feel better. Better yet, when these individuals try to sneak in the spotlight or take/share/associate themselves with my accomplishments, it burns me inside.