The text described the mother-daughter relationship where during the "teen rebellion" phase, the bond decrease substantially and then increase dramatically when the daughter becomes engaged, married, or a mother. This concept was relevant to me because I found that there were communication conflicts between mother-daughter for me from the teenage year up to when I became engaged. However, I wonder if this experience would have been different for a teenager in another country who at an early age learns how to do house chores, to cooking, and to do crafts from their mother during the teenage phase (extra bonding period).
Interestingly, a person's engagement/marriage also can produce a relationship change. If the parents accepted the dating partner, the engagement increased closeness; if no, there was a decrease in closeness. For me, the relationship with my parents did not change. However, the relationship with my in-laws changed dramatically, 360 degrees, and within minutes of finding out about the engagement. The concept of different effects on relationships (in families) as results of turning points was very relevant for me.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Chapter 13: To fight or not to fight
Intrapsychic conflict occurs when a person experiences internal conflict without expressing disagreements with others. Since it is an internal conflict, it is not considered an interpersonal conflict. "For instance, the decision to break up with someone can entail a lot of ambivalence and intrapsychic conflict." This concept is relevant to me because I feel that I have many intrapsychic conflicts, and I try to keep them internal to prevent them from becoming interpersonal conflicts. I find that leaving conflicts at the intrapsychic level helps to keep things in perspective (advantage: not yet a blow-up and you have options to explore). Being ambivalent (definition: uncertainty about approach, simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings) helps until I can find the most effective way to deal with the conflict.
I have now learned so many different conflict styles (5) and conflict strategies/tactics (4) to choose from. Style: competing, accomodating, collaborating (the best style that I can apply to my conflicts) (high concern for others and self; assertive, cooperative), withdrawing/avoiding, and compromising. Strategies/tactics: negotiation, nonconfrontation, direct fighting, and indirect fighting. According to the text, these choices (if considered as such) are made "in a split second in a state of emotional upset." I agree that recognizing that we have these choices allows us to accept responsibilities for our behaviors and allows us ways to change these conflict behaviors so that we have more positive outcomes for ourselves and others.
I have now learned so many different conflict styles (5) and conflict strategies/tactics (4) to choose from. Style: competing, accomodating, collaborating (the best style that I can apply to my conflicts) (high concern for others and self; assertive, cooperative), withdrawing/avoiding, and compromising. Strategies/tactics: negotiation, nonconfrontation, direct fighting, and indirect fighting. According to the text, these choices (if considered as such) are made "in a split second in a state of emotional upset." I agree that recognizing that we have these choices allows us to accept responsibilities for our behaviors and allows us ways to change these conflict behaviors so that we have more positive outcomes for ourselves and others.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Web Lec 5: Culture and Conflict
Within individualistic and collectivistic cultures, there are self-construals that better determine what conflict style a person will use, despite ethnicity or sex. In other words, their unique person will determine what they will do, and their actions are not pre-determined by what culture they are in. Independent self-construal person views oneself separate or unique from others. Interdependent self-construal person seeks a bond or fitting in with others. Those individuals who have high levels of independence and interdependence self-construals at the same time are considered biconstrual - unique and intertwined with others. Ambivalent self-construal persons have low levels of inde- and inter- dependence at the same time.
I find it interesting and applicable that there could be a combination of independent and interdependent self-construals. I don't know if there is a terminology for high inde- and low inter- dependence. For me, I feel that I am in between two selves...one that wants to be unique from others and one that wants to fit in with others. In a conflict at work, I would want to be the strong person to defend myself fearlessly, but on the other hand, I have the need to be a team player and not to stir the pot too much. I feel this is when primary goal (fight for oneself) and secondary goal (protect job security) comes into play. We need to pick our battle sometimes, despite our self-construals. We may want to think outside of our culture, ethnicity, and sex sometimes...but corporate culture sometimes has bureaucracy, favortism, job security issues, and etc. that we need to think of. Many a times interpersonal and organizational communications go hand in hand. For this reason, I find that our work and interpersonal worlds are becoming more complex and intertwined...and on this topic, I say to keep the worlds as separate as possible...don't be friends with co-workers, watch over yourself...friends (who are also co-workers) can become enemies inevitably and in due course.
I find it interesting and applicable that there could be a combination of independent and interdependent self-construals. I don't know if there is a terminology for high inde- and low inter- dependence. For me, I feel that I am in between two selves...one that wants to be unique from others and one that wants to fit in with others. In a conflict at work, I would want to be the strong person to defend myself fearlessly, but on the other hand, I have the need to be a team player and not to stir the pot too much. I feel this is when primary goal (fight for oneself) and secondary goal (protect job security) comes into play. We need to pick our battle sometimes, despite our self-construals. We may want to think outside of our culture, ethnicity, and sex sometimes...but corporate culture sometimes has bureaucracy, favortism, job security issues, and etc. that we need to think of. Many a times interpersonal and organizational communications go hand in hand. For this reason, I find that our work and interpersonal worlds are becoming more complex and intertwined...and on this topic, I say to keep the worlds as separate as possible...don't be friends with co-workers, watch over yourself...friends (who are also co-workers) can become enemies inevitably and in due course.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Chapter 12: Persuasion
Marwell and Schmitt (psychologists mentioned in the text) discussed the five types of verbal messages individuals use for persuading other people. When a person tries to influence another person by providing rewards, benefits, or praise for changing a behavior or opinion, this is called reward power. Coercive power is when a person uses punishments. Referent power is when person B identifies with and perceives similarity to person A. In expert power, person B believes that person A has special knowledge. If you comply/do not comply, you will be rewarded/punished because of the "nature of things." When person B is obligated to comply based on the perception that person A has the legitimate right to request, this is called legitimate power.
In reviewing the 16 statements of Table 12.4, I find that the positive approach (i.e. self-feeling positive and altercating positive) is more likely to get a positive outcome than if the negative is used (i.e. self-feeling negative and altercating negative). Especially when it comes to rebellious teenagers and pre-teens, I feel being positive exudes respect, equality, and positive encouragement. I have tried to tell my sister that if she does not focus on her study that she will not be accepted into a good college. Instead, I should have said that if she studies hard, she will get into a good college. I can also see using the negative approach if the positive fails. Bisanz and Rule state that negative tactics involve coercive power and emotional appeals, including force, threats, and lies. Furthermore, the positive approach does not generate negative feelings and would not create conflict that can escalate. I believe I have learned more on how to avoid conflicts from Table 12.4.
In reviewing the 16 statements of Table 12.4, I find that the positive approach (i.e. self-feeling positive and altercating positive) is more likely to get a positive outcome than if the negative is used (i.e. self-feeling negative and altercating negative). Especially when it comes to rebellious teenagers and pre-teens, I feel being positive exudes respect, equality, and positive encouragement. I have tried to tell my sister that if she does not focus on her study that she will not be accepted into a good college. Instead, I should have said that if she studies hard, she will get into a good college. I can also see using the negative approach if the positive fails. Bisanz and Rule state that negative tactics involve coercive power and emotional appeals, including force, threats, and lies. Furthermore, the positive approach does not generate negative feelings and would not create conflict that can escalate. I believe I have learned more on how to avoid conflicts from Table 12.4.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Chapter 11: Trouble Areas
Escalating and maintaining relationships were nice concepts to read about because they showed ways of building and sustaining a relationship. It is more difficult to read about de-escalating relationships, though I can understand that it is inevitable for some relationships (i.e. due to negative aspects of being underbenifited and emotional and/or sexual infidelity). According to Safran citation, there are 10 common trouble areas leading to disengagement: comm. breakdown, loss of shared goals, sexual incompatibility, infidelity, diminution of excitement, money, conflicts about children, alcohol or drug abuse, women's equality issues, and in-laws. This concept is relevant for me because I have heard of friends and relatives who experience some of these trouble areas that are jeopardizing their marriage. I would like to see marriage counseling at City Hall on how to avoid de-escalation when people go to get their marriage license. Then, at least more people have a fair chance of understanding what causes (disengagement themes) divorces and be aware that these causes could sneak up on them.
Web Lec 4: Turning Points
There are 10 turning points in adult children's relationships with their parents. These turning points influence the closeness of their relationship. The most significant ones found are: moving away to college and time of crisis - death in the family. "The ways in which our relationships with our fathers are likely to change are very different from the ways in which our relationships with our mothers are likely to change because the types of relationships we have (with them) are heavily influenced by CULTURE." (Ch. 15, p. 477) Mothers usually provide emotional support and engage in verbal and non-verbal affection. Fathers typically offer instrumental support, such as providing money and repairing automobile, and usually show affection by engaging in activities. Web Lec 4 indicates that physical distance was important for mother-child relational closeness and participating in activities was important for father-child.
According to Web Lec 4, little relationship research examines differences across CULTURES. In my experience, many FGC (First Generation College students), especially those who are the first child to attend college, have parents (father and mother) who did not want to see the child move away to college. The father provided emotional support and gave non-verbal expression of affection. He provided encouragement, hope, and ambition. The mother provided instrumental support such as cooking, cleaning, and spending time in public outings.
According to Web Lec 4, little relationship research examines differences across CULTURES. In my experience, many FGC (First Generation College students), especially those who are the first child to attend college, have parents (father and mother) who did not want to see the child move away to college. The father provided emotional support and gave non-verbal expression of affection. He provided encouragement, hope, and ambition. The mother provided instrumental support such as cooking, cleaning, and spending time in public outings.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Chapter 10: Hand Holding
How long can a flirtatious glance last? How long can two people stay connected lips to lips? The everlasting hand holding probably outlast what the eyes and lips can offer. The triggers to separate the hands would be sweaty palms or fingers cramp. Perhaps this is why hand holding is so powerful.
Hand holding can be interpreted as love, intimacy, protection, affection, commitment, and support. It is a way of announcing connection to the public. At the same time, it offers comfort and a sense of well-being in private. Hand holding is one of the relational maintenance behaviors.
This concept rings true for me because after conversations, attending sport events, becoming friends, and learning more about characters and personalities, I was not convinced that I met my match until two sets of hands were compared. Something warm, electrical, and magical occurred when the hands contacted. Perhaps this is also a strong reminiscence of the phrase "putting your life in somebody's hand." If you feel you can trust someone from a hand holding experience, then you may find the courage to spend the rest of your life with this person.
Hand holding can be interpreted as love, intimacy, protection, affection, commitment, and support. It is a way of announcing connection to the public. At the same time, it offers comfort and a sense of well-being in private. Hand holding is one of the relational maintenance behaviors.
This concept rings true for me because after conversations, attending sport events, becoming friends, and learning more about characters and personalities, I was not convinced that I met my match until two sets of hands were compared. Something warm, electrical, and magical occurred when the hands contacted. Perhaps this is also a strong reminiscence of the phrase "putting your life in somebody's hand." If you feel you can trust someone from a hand holding experience, then you may find the courage to spend the rest of your life with this person.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)