Chapter 15: Turning Points

The text described the mother-daughter relationship where during the "teen rebellion" phase, the bond decrease substantially and then increase dramatically when the daughter becomes engaged, married, or a mother. This concept was relevant to me because I found that there were communication conflicts between mother-daughter for me from the teenage year up to when I became engaged. However, I wonder if this experience would have been different for a teenager in another country who at an early age learns how to do house chores, to cooking, and to do crafts from their mother during the teenage phase (extra bonding period).

Interestingly, a person's engagement/marriage also can produce a relationship change. If the parents accepted the dating partner, the engagement increased closeness; if no, there was a decrease in closeness. For me, the relationship with my parents did not change. However, the relationship with my in-laws changed dramatically, 360 degrees, and within minutes of finding out about the engagement. The concept of different effects on relationships (in families) as results of turning points was very relevant for me.

Chapter 13: To fight or not to fight

Intrapsychic conflict occurs when a person experiences internal conflict without expressing disagreements with others. Since it is an internal conflict, it is not considered an interpersonal conflict. "For instance, the decision to break up with someone can entail a lot of ambivalence and intrapsychic conflict." This concept is relevant to me because I feel that I have many intrapsychic conflicts, and I try to keep them internal to prevent them from becoming interpersonal conflicts. I find that leaving conflicts at the intrapsychic level helps to keep things in perspective (advantage: not yet a blow-up and you have options to explore). Being ambivalent (definition: uncertainty about approach, simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings) helps until I can find the most effective way to deal with the conflict.

I have now learned so many different conflict styles (5) and conflict strategies/tactics (4) to choose from. Style: competing, accomodating, collaborating (the best style that I can apply to my conflicts) (high concern for others and self; assertive, cooperative), withdrawing/avoiding, and compromising. Strategies/tactics: negotiation, nonconfrontation, direct fighting, and indirect fighting. According to the text, these choices (if considered as such) are made "in a split second in a state of emotional upset." I agree that recognizing that we have these choices allows us to accept responsibilities for our behaviors and allows us ways to change these conflict behaviors so that we have more positive outcomes for ourselves and others.

Web Lec 5: Culture and Conflict

Within individualistic and collectivistic cultures, there are self-construals that better determine what conflict style a person will use, despite ethnicity or sex. In other words, their unique person will determine what they will do, and their actions are not pre-determined by what culture they are in. Independent self-construal person views oneself separate or unique from others. Interdependent self-construal person seeks a bond or fitting in with others. Those individuals who have high levels of independence and interdependence self-construals at the same time are considered biconstrual - unique and intertwined with others. Ambivalent self-construal persons have low levels of inde- and inter- dependence at the same time.

I find it interesting and applicable that there could be a combination of independent and interdependent self-construals. I don't know if there is a terminology for high inde- and low inter- dependence. For me, I feel that I am in between two selves...one that wants to be unique from others and one that wants to fit in with others. In a conflict at work, I would want to be the strong person to defend myself fearlessly, but on the other hand, I have the need to be a team player and not to stir the pot too much. I feel this is when primary goal (fight for oneself) and secondary goal (protect job security) comes into play. We need to pick our battle sometimes, despite our self-construals. We may want to think outside of our culture, ethnicity, and sex sometimes...but corporate culture sometimes has bureaucracy, favortism, job security issues, and etc. that we need to think of. Many a times interpersonal and organizational communications go hand in hand. For this reason, I find that our work and interpersonal worlds are becoming more complex and intertwined...and on this topic, I say to keep the worlds as separate as possible...don't be friends with co-workers, watch over yourself...friends (who are also co-workers) can become enemies inevitably and in due course.

Chapter 12: Persuasion

Marwell and Schmitt (psychologists mentioned in the text) discussed the five types of verbal messages individuals use for persuading other people. When a person tries to influence another person by providing rewards, benefits, or praise for changing a behavior or opinion, this is called reward power. Coercive power is when a person uses punishments. Referent power is when person B identifies with and perceives similarity to person A. In expert power, person B believes that person A has special knowledge. If you comply/do not comply, you will be rewarded/punished because of the "nature of things." When person B is obligated to comply based on the perception that person A has the legitimate right to request, this is called legitimate power.

In reviewing the 16 statements of Table 12.4, I find that the positive approach (i.e. self-feeling positive and altercating positive) is more likely to get a positive outcome than if the negative is used (i.e. self-feeling negative and altercating negative). Especially when it comes to rebellious teenagers and pre-teens, I feel being positive exudes respect, equality, and positive encouragement. I have tried to tell my sister that if she does not focus on her study that she will not be accepted into a good college. Instead, I should have said that if she studies hard, she will get into a good college. I can also see using the negative approach if the positive fails. Bisanz and Rule state that negative tactics involve coercive power and emotional appeals, including force, threats, and lies. Furthermore, the positive approach does not generate negative feelings and would not create conflict that can escalate. I believe I have learned more on how to avoid conflicts from Table 12.4.

Chapter 11: Trouble Areas

Escalating and maintaining relationships were nice concepts to read about because they showed ways of building and sustaining a relationship. It is more difficult to read about de-escalating relationships, though I can understand that it is inevitable for some relationships (i.e. due to negative aspects of being underbenifited and emotional and/or sexual infidelity). According to Safran citation, there are 10 common trouble areas leading to disengagement: comm. breakdown, loss of shared goals, sexual incompatibility, infidelity, diminution of excitement, money, conflicts about children, alcohol or drug abuse, women's equality issues, and in-laws. This concept is relevant for me because I have heard of friends and relatives who experience some of these trouble areas that are jeopardizing their marriage. I would like to see marriage counseling at City Hall on how to avoid de-escalation when people go to get their marriage license. Then, at least more people have a fair chance of understanding what causes (disengagement themes) divorces and be aware that these causes could sneak up on them.

Web Lec 4: Turning Points

There are 10 turning points in adult children's relationships with their parents. These turning points influence the closeness of their relationship. The most significant ones found are: moving away to college and time of crisis - death in the family. "The ways in which our relationships with our fathers are likely to change are very different from the ways in which our relationships with our mothers are likely to change because the types of relationships we have (with them) are heavily influenced by CULTURE." (Ch. 15, p. 477) Mothers usually provide emotional support and engage in verbal and non-verbal affection. Fathers typically offer instrumental support, such as providing money and repairing automobile, and usually show affection by engaging in activities. Web Lec 4 indicates that physical distance was important for mother-child relational closeness and participating in activities was important for father-child.

According to Web Lec 4, little relationship research examines differences across CULTURES. In my experience, many FGC (First Generation College students), especially those who are the first child to attend college, have parents (father and mother) who did not want to see the child move away to college. The father provided emotional support and gave non-verbal expression of affection. He provided encouragement, hope, and ambition. The mother provided instrumental support such as cooking, cleaning, and spending time in public outings.

Chapter 10: Hand Holding

How long can a flirtatious glance last? How long can two people stay connected lips to lips? The everlasting hand holding probably outlast what the eyes and lips can offer. The triggers to separate the hands would be sweaty palms or fingers cramp. Perhaps this is why hand holding is so powerful.

Hand holding can be interpreted as love, intimacy, protection, affection, commitment, and support. It is a way of announcing connection to the public. At the same time, it offers comfort and a sense of well-being in private. Hand holding is one of the relational maintenance behaviors.

This concept rings true for me because after conversations, attending sport events, becoming friends, and learning more about characters and personalities, I was not convinced that I met my match until two sets of hands were compared. Something warm, electrical, and magical occurred when the hands contacted. Perhaps this is also a strong reminiscence of the phrase "putting your life in somebody's hand." If you feel you can trust someone from a hand holding experience, then you may find the courage to spend the rest of your life with this person.

Ch. 9 Escalating Relationships _A Companion for Every Men and Women

There are five good reasons to escalate a relationship (develop friendships and romantic relationships characterized by intimacy). (1) Intimacy affects individual's personal welfare positively: affection & companionship and self-esteem & positive identity. (2) Your relationship with someone is mutually beneficial as well as mutually dependent. Interdependence helps the individual to achieve desired personal outcomes. (3) Fundamental interpersonal needs are met: Inclusion - include others into your world and be included in their world; Control - satisfy the need to direct others and be directed; Affection - satisfy need to express and receive affection. (4) Understanding of your partner...unique knowledge of the other person. (5) Reduce uncertainty about the other person.

These advantages click with me because they demonstrate the importance of having someone in our life...a friend or a loved one...Even the volleyball served as a good companion in the "Cast Away" movie when Tom Hanks was stranded on an island for what seemed to be an eternity. The only flaw is that the volleyball could not speak, though this is true of some unique circumstances where sign language or non-verbal language (or imagination) can be used. I have yet to benefit from the five advantages from a friend, but this is why my husband serves as a companion, friend, and loved one.

Chapter 8: Apology

Imagine that you attended an award banquet and sat next to the award recipient. Excitement and conversations were plenty in the room. Everything was wonderful until you spilled a cup of coffee on that person's exposed foot. Consequently that person was likely burned and now must clean the shoe and foot.

This was a self-presentational predicament that I was in, and luckily the person addressed the problem gracefully, saying that the coffee was not hot. I apologized profusely, though it was a perfunctory apology (a little brief expression of regret, since I did not want to make a scene either). There was no excuse or justification required for my action. It was really just an accident.

This was a situational predicament to me, and now I have learned that it is also a self-presentational predicament.

Chapter 7: Not Disclosing

Reasons for not disclosing include: relationship-based motivation (seek to protect close involvements), individual-based motivation (maintain positive identity), and information-based motivation (interaction partner might be unresponsive and not helpful). The motivation that I feel strongly about is individual-based because relationships and information can be rebuilt. Identity, on the other hand, would be jeopardized (and harder to rebuild in my opinion) if negative information has been disclosed and cannot be taken back. I have a need to establish a privacy boundary, even about non-personal things. If I don't disclose something that is negative, then I feel I have a short-lived opportunity to overlook the truth long enough to maintain my confidence to achieve a goal. For example, if I bombed my SAT but still need to maintain my confidence in order to write a powerful essay for college admission, it helps to not disclose this SAT failure. By not disclosing, I would maintain a positive identity, which then helps to maintain my confidence as well.

Chapter 6: Associating With Others

Some people associate with others to bolster their self-image or public image. There are two strategies involved: (1) looking good by making others look bad and (2) looking good by basking in other's accomplishments. Blasting the opposition is blasting people's reputation by making negative statements and assertions about them (i.e. rival group or individual) and then enhancing one's image by comparison. Basking in reflected glory is highlighting one's association with achievement of others. These concepts are significant because they explain the annoying actions of high schoolers, politicians, colleagues, and even ex-friends. It stirs me to the core when I encounter individuals who try to put me down to make themselves look or feel better. Better yet, when these individuals try to sneak in the spotlight or take/share/associate themselves with my accomplishments, it burns me inside.

Web Lec 3: Naked Exterior

Self-disclosing involves peeling away layers of the self. The onion analogy is used. How many layers are there in the onion from the market: the couple of thick orange exterior layers, an orange with white layer, the thinning layers, and the slippery core. Disclosing information may gain social support, affirmations, and agreements from others. On the other hand, disclosing can lead to being rejected, humiliated, and being left uncomfortable. It seems that the decision to disclose may be easier for some people, and yet this sort of decision is complex and difficult to decipher. I am most comfortable with keeping the thick exterior layer on and with some earthy soil (strategic self-preservation) smeared on the exterior, too. Sometimes I take the risk and can remove these exterior layers, but I do feel naked exposing the "inner self" and setting myself up to being vulnerable and being taken advantage of (i.e. meeting a coworker you think is your friend, but who is just digging for information to help themselves).

Chapter 16: Adaptability

There are six factors of adaptability: (1) social experience, (2) social composure, (3) social confirmation, (4) appropriate disclosure, (5) articulation, and (6) wit. Social experience allows people to develop a set of communication strategies and skills. Practice makes perfect, according to the book. I think this is why it is beneficial to meet new people (talk to random strangers while waiting in line) and practice interviews for example. Social composure and confirmation refers to keeping calm and acknowledging other's self-presentation. Appropriate disclosure is something that I hope that more people are aware of when gossiping with friends. Articulation is the ability to express ideas through language, and wit is ability to use humor. These six factors are relevant to me because it will now help me to ease the tension and know how to adapt to conversations with different people.

Chapter 14: Narcissistic People

Narcissism seems to be a trend that will affect interpersonal relationships and the U.S. society, according to some psychologists mentioned in the book. I speculate whether "community-based" societies have less of this narcissism trend to deal with. The U.S. is already an individualistic country, and when you add the "narcissistic" attitude, buying power, and overly informed characteristics of today's youth, there is definitely a concern here for me. Anyone with a pre-teen sibling, child, or relative could probably see this trend happening in his or her family. At first, I would conclude from my observations that kids are just spoiled, or they're handling adolescence differently, or they're just exhibiting the confidence as seen in the TV personalities from i.e. "Lizzie McGuire" - "Hannah Montana" - "Suite Life of Zach and Cody." However, teenagers, college students, and young professionals are also exhibiting these narcissistic characteristics: inflated self-importance, power hungry, admiration craze, entitlement, manipulative, non-empathetic, materialistic envy, and arrogant. Hopefully, this is a trend that will past since there are many youths and people who are not like this.

Chapter 5: Attributions

Have you ever met a famous person and felt disappointed afterwards because he/she did something or said something that was unexpected? A few months ago, I went to a book signing and was disturbed that the person did not shake my hand at my request. Maybe I should finish the book and get a clue as to why shaking hand is not a habit for this person. Attribution is defined as "assessment of the cause of an action or behavior (e.g. our thoughts about why someone acted as he or she did or what caused us to act in a certain way) or the degree of responsibility that someone or something had for the action or behavior." In this example, I attribute the reason for not shaking hand to an external cause (environmental: germs and situational: sets a shaking-hand-precedent with hundreds of people in line). According to expectancy violations theory, "when someone whom we have judged to be 'high reward' violates our expectations, we are likely to assume that he or she did so for a good reason." This famous person is influential across the globe and has made impacts throughout history. Therefore, it wasn't personal; there was a good reason for not shaking my hand.

Chapter 4: Listening can be harmful

We often hear that we should "let it all out" or to express our emotions, especially after a traumatic event, instead of storing the feelings inside and waiting for a volcano to erupt later. I am an advocate for expressing, but sometimes I am uncomfortable with listening about traumatic events. I have long felt that I am either too-good-of-a-listener or just extra sensitive. I no longer feel this way since Chapter 4 clarifies my dilemma for me by explaining that "often, however, people who listen to others' trauma...become traumatized themselves." I find that this ability to be traumatized from listening is associated with empathic listening, in which the listener is associating and interpreting message as if in the speaker's shoes. On a more positive note, I am reassured that I can provide social support by exhibiting these behaviors: (1) using silence as response and not interrupting, (2) asking probing questions, (3) providing verbal encouragement, (4) restating the other's message, and (5) seeking clarification. Currently, I try to avoid being traumatized by avoiding certain conversations. Though sometimes you just have to take the risk of being traumatized because your loved ones want to share with you.

Self-Introduction and Concept that Resonates Ch. 1-3

This is my first online class. I took Comm 101 and 149 before. It is exciting to learn about interpersonal and organizational this summer. The rabbit tail tale is inspired by the Beatrix Potter biography movie I watched recently.

The concept of disconfirming message resonates with me. I know how it feels to be disconfirmed, and unfortunately I realize that I have disconfirm others before as well. This is when you convey negative evaluation of your partner and the relationship by being indifference through silence, absence (mindless) response. Interruption and disruption of what partner is saying occurs. There are three ways of disconfirming: indifference, imperviousness, and disqualification. Imperviousness is when you are being inattentive to other's thoughts and feelings, as if the person did not matter. Things said would include, "Yeah, uh, what?," with blank gaze and lack of involvement. Disqualification is when there is a monologue with one person speaking, being unaware of the other person. The relevance of this is that disconfirming message also breaks down the other person's whole being: value of thought, feeling, importance, and self-worth. It is not just about disregarding the spoken word. This resonates with me because disconfirmation happens to me almost every time when I speak to my in-law and/or their relative. I get interrupted and brushed aside while being in mid-sentence, and I am frankly tired of this treatment.